If I only had a heart

One of the most effective logical fallacies used by President Bush and many a right-wing pundit to muddle reality and send normally happy people into mental septic shock is the “Straw Man,” that is, rebuilding an opponent’s argument in a weakened or outrageous way.

In what appears to be a trend that may culminate in reporters being assigned to a newly coined beat that might be called the linguistics beat, the AP moved a story Saturday about Bush’s use of this fallacy to clobber people who disagree with him.

As far as I know, it is the first time a major news organization has stated outright in a news story that Bush relies on fallacies to make points, although the story steers clear of using the word “fallacy,” instead using the less damning “rhetorical device,” which is accurate but breezes past the point of the story for obvious reasons.

Still, this is huge.

I counted five examples of a straw man argument. The reporter’s name is Jennifer Loven, and whoever she is, this story rocks lame asses.

What is so disheartening, though, is that it took this long for somebody to state the obvious. I mean, I learned about the straw man in a cursory section of language arts my sophomore year in high school, a class I failed.

Despite that, all this time, I would wager that most Americans don’t recognize it when Bush (and Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, blah blah blah) pulled the straw man ploy. If they did, I would wager that only a small minority would know what it’s called.

This isn’t because Americans are stupid, like Bush obviously thinks, but because Americans are not taught to identify fallacies, and we do not value this kind of education in our society. Why? Well, probably because politicians decide how much money will be spent on education and politicians decide what will be taught. If people knew how to detect bullshit, we would vote these politicians the hell out of office.

Also, think about what would happen to consumer capitalism if people could think for themselves. Jessica Simpson CDs, Matrix movies, and Wal-Mart pants would clog the landfills. Advertisers wouldn’t be able to sell anything that wasn’t necessary or had value.

And society, don’t get me started o nhe possibilities. Racism would disappear, Sexism as well. Marijuana would be legalized and addiction would be considered a public health issue rather than one of law enforcement. Corporate conglomerates would take a hit on the bottom line to ensure employees and livestock would be forever separated and both treated humanely, wars would be fought in defense of our borders, not our “economic interests,” and to protect innocents abroad. Cars would no longer be used for commuting. Women would hit on men more often. Men would share child-rearing and household duties. Et al.

If people could think critically, it would be a completely different country.

OK, SMART GUY, ENOUGH. I’VE HAD IT. YOU WALTZ IN HERE LIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE, DISRESPECTING OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF, AND THEN YOU USE A STRAW MAN ARGUMENT. YOU’RE A HYPOCRITE AND YOU MUST BE STOPPED.

Where?

RIGHT HERE:

“This isn’t because Americans are stupid, like Bush obviously thinks, but because Americans are not taught to identify fallacies ...”

Is it? Really?

YEAH, IT IS. YOU’RE TALKING OUT YOUR ASS. YOU’RE TELLING US WHAT BUSH THINKS.

I’m saying that Bush uses fallacies, double-talk, and redefines words like “torture” on the fly with a straight face because he doesn’t think most people will understand that he is bullshitting them.

Talk about a simple majority (rim shot).

Seriously though, folks, I’m not sure Bush would know a fallacy from a hole in the ground where a village once stood (I’m on fire tonight).

He is misunderestimating us (OK, that’s it, I’m through).

RIGHT THERE, YOU WERE USING A FALLACIOUS ARGUMENT. YOU WERE ATTACKING THE MAN, AND IN A VERY LAME WAY. YOU WERE ATTACKING THE MESSENGER. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS POMPOUS REPORTER, WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL THE MESSENGER?

Yeah, man, I went to public school, all right. When I’m talking about idiot Americans, that’s including me.

WE’RE NOT ALL IDIOTS. SOME OF US KNOW IT’S BULLSHIT, BUT HE’S OUR CANDIDATE. JUST LIKE THE BULLSHIT CLINTON SPEWED, YOU GUYS DIDN’T MIND IT.

Hey, I’m no fan of Clinton.

HE WASN’T LIBERAL ENOUGH FOR YOU, HUH?

Yeah, and it used to piss me off.