Some will rob you with a six gun. Some with a fountain pen. – Woody Guthrie

-In the U.S., to pay bills and to be a part of consumer society, you need a checking account.

-To get a checking account, you deposit your money in the bank.

-The bank takes your money and invests it, to make more money, for themselves.

-For letting them use your money to make more money, they share a small cut of it with you. They keep the rest. They also provide services for you, such as paying your checks.

-The bank invests in things that make money, and not necessarily to make the world a better place. In fact, sometimes banks make more money by investing in things that make the world a worse place. Like Bombs. And “South Park.” And dead kittens.

-The bank indirectly makes a prick out of you, as you helped fund their investments that make the world a worse place.

-Every other year or so, all the banks in the world get together and drive dump trucks full of money to Capitol Hill in Washington DC.

- Your congressional representatives waddle outside and lather themselves up in a frenzy of horror befitting a sausage factory.

-You might think this would be called a “bribe.” You would be incorrect. It’s called a “campaign contribution.” That’s because when the banks give your congressman the money, it is actually “speech.” When they hand the money over, they are “speaking,” and they are not saying nice things about you.

-You are a human (did I forget to mention that?), and you make mistakes, such as not managing your account accurately, and you make a series of overdrafts.

-When you overdraft, the bank puts its pustule-encrusted hand into the pot and pays your check, which is very nice of them. Despite the amount of your overdraft, the bank charges you a $33 fee.

-The bank does not notify you that your account is overdrawn, and you continue to make small, every day purchases, a pack of cigarettes, a cup of coffee, lunch at Wendy’s. A $33 fee is assessed each time. Very nice.

-When you deposit your paycheck, the bank might get around to mentioning to you that you owe them $300, plus the $18 they covered. But that’s okay, because they just took it out of your check.

-You worked hard for that $300, it probably took you several days. Several miserable days. You believe that it belongs to you, but the bank disagrees.

-You threaten to take your business elsewhere.

-Your bank gives you the finger. They have your $300, what do they care.

-You look for a bank that charges a percentage of the overdraft, or at least doesn’t charge thirty-fucking-three dollars a pop.

-You find out very quickly that there are none.

-You wonder why.

-You learn that banks are in collusion.

-You look up “collusion” in a dictionary.

-You find that banks secretly agree to screw people over. You also learn that it is supposed to be illegal.

-You kick yourself for voting Republican.

-Then pick up a newspaper and realize that Republicans and Democrats are colluding to maintain a campaign system that allows corporate interests to buy politicians, virtually ensuring that no laws will be passed that restrict the ability of the partners in the collusion to screw over Americans.

-Then you realize that $33 is the least amount you will ever pay for an overdraft charge from here on out.

-You have the uncontrollable urge to smash the capitalist state. This will pass.

-However, what doesn’t pass is the fact that you are $300 poorer.

-On the bright side, the bank is $300 richer.

-The bank then takes a portion of that money, and a portion of the money they made investing your money, and they drive big dump trucks full of cash to Capitol Hill in Washington, DC to talk with your congressman. They don’t say nice things about you.