Ramsey killer a Bush 'mole in makeup,' sketchy source says

By Dolores Hazen
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Press Staff

WASHINGTON — John Mark Karr, the suspected killer of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, is a Bush Administration agent, planted to claim to be a killer in order to bump bad press of the administration from the headlines, an unreliable source disclosed Wednesday.

The source, who asked not to be identified and accepted $450 cash and two tickets to “Rent” in exchange for his story, said that in the lead-up to Bush’s run for the White House in early 2000, Bush’s consigliori Karl Rove placed ten to 20 individuals at various places around the globe, “moles in makeup.” After receiving a signal from a wireless implant near Rove’s temple, the moles then reveal themselves to the world and receive a splash of coverage.

“Shit, Karl’s even got Usama bin Laden stashed at the top of a Las Vegas casino, just in case things really get desperate, know what I’m saying?” said the source, who serves as a department deputy director in Vice-President Dick Cheney’s shadow cabinet.

Some of the “moles in makeup” include the real life Santa Claus, The Lindbergh Baby and the scientist who cured baldness. The source says the moles are scattered around the world to increase news coverage.

The source also said that administration officials, including Rove, considered activating another mole instead of Karr.

“They toyed with the idea of revealing Nicole Simpson’s real killer, but they held off for when it’s revealed that Dick (Cheney) drinks infant blood with his coffee every morning,” the source said, adding, “That’s a lot of infants.”