I’m Poppa Large, big shot on the East Coast

From the editors:

There’s an old, tired cliche thrown around all too often in politics, and given recent revelations, we think it’s only fitting to throw it around in these pages:

“As long as so-and-so doesn’t try to set up a molest-date with a kid while he’s on the record , he’s sure to be elected.”

Take-overs in Congress are rare, but they happen, and Foley — a Democrat from Florida, according to Fox News — may have come on the back of the proverbial camel. But maybe not.

In this swirling fog of allegations, rebuttal and comment, the last thing we want to do is make predictions. We don’t even know where are reporters are, if they are alive.

But as part of our duty, we must. Duty and the fact that we might get our legs broken if we don’t.

As has been reported, Howlin’ Leroy Eenk accurately predicted every presidential contest from 1984 until 2004, when, acting on a piece of information provided by a source after 16 hours of water boarding, we incorrectly called Sen. John Kerry the winner.

Since then, after settling the lawsuits, selling our houses, writhing like salty slugs before our financial masters and fearing for our lives and our families’ lives every day, we have taken a more thoughtful tack.

Now we water board multiple sources simultaneously, around the clock, all the while showing them hardcore pornography. What follows is the fruits of our deliberations:

The last time one of our august political parties staged a coup and killed in Congress was 1994, when Newt Gingrich’s boner rode an elephant into the Imperial City, two years after Ross Perot split the Republican vote and put Bill Clinton into the White House.

The time before that might be the post-Watergate Democratic watershed, the mid-seventies, a period campaign finance reformers remember with a twinkle in their eye, the golden age of American politics.

Democrats in Washington today dream of being the next big thing Nov. 7, the next revolution, the next Nirvana. Polls show them leading in key races, and with Republicans overly anxious to win the pedophiliac-alcoholic vote, things are beginning to look a lot like uprising.

There is precedent for these kinds of reversals. However, it is still unlikely that the Democrats will take both chambers, although that isn’t immediately apparent from watching the party of Jefferson pat themselves on the back a month before the ballots get tallied.

To elect the Democrats en masse, to win elections the wonks overlooked when they scoured the maps, to surprise the world, there would need be an angst of Hoover Dam proportions. Partly because the map is gerrymandered toward traditionally Republican districts. And with the new IPod Nanos, and the playoffs, fear, the History Channel, befuddling gas prices, new flavors of Vitamin Water, we Americans, regrettably, have a long way to go before our angst gets that big.

We’re talking big angst, the kind of unsettling feeling that not only pushes a swing district to Ds, but that makes lifelong Rs vote against Rs, the same people who regularly vote in mid-term elections.

That angst could be manufactured, the Democrats could be sowing it, but their strategy remains unchanged: wait the Republicans out. It’s comforting to know that the loyal opposition has no better idea on how to gain power other than to stand by while the GOP runs the country into the ground.

And given their metaphysical connection with the god of Botch, if Dems scratch up a few seats they’ll call it a victory.

Therefore, in conclusion, we can surmise nothing more insightful than our previous prediction: Democrats will probably not take both chambers, but they might. They also might take one, or neither.