It's all fucked

By Delores Hazen
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff

WASHINGTON - It was a banner day for assholes Monday, with assholes across the globe and the country furthering their asshole ends by their asshole means.

Experts said it could not be done, but assholes on Monday reached new and soaring heights of assholeosity, most notably, an asshole detonated a nuclear bomb and a bunch of other assholes failed to do anything meaningful to prevent it and have no idea what to do next.

Assholes are firmly in charge of every powerful institution on earth, controlling all chambers of all legislatures and courts the world over, running all major corporations, and with the availability and inexpensvienss of high-powered personal weaponry, even middle-schoolers can rise to the level of asshole even if they have yet to grow a hair on theirs.

In one day, assholes managed to substantially spread their assholi in new, more effective ways, not just by pushing humanity closer to annihilation, but by accomplishing the small acts of assholeism, experts said. Although the public is more aware of the great feats of assholeishness - like genocides, chauvinism and Ronald Reagan - it’s the small, everyday acts of that really matter.

“When it comes to historical assholes, our current crop has yet to make a run at a title,” said Heinrich Cocksure, a senior asshole at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government.

“But you never know, the night is still young.” Cocksure said, noting that in addition to making life less livable for everybody else, the assholes of today have developed new ways to suck the blood of children and still look themselves in the eye every morning.

Unlike potable water, the world is in no need of more assholes, and hasn’t since the Great Asshole Famine of the mid-seventies. The surplus of assholes has led to increased competition among the asshole ranks, observers have said, and threatens the future of assholedom and life itself.

U.N. Weighs Sanctions Against N. Korea
Oct 10, 2:42 AM (ET)
UNITED NATIONS (AP) - The world lined up against North Korea on Monday for staging a nuclear test denounced even by key allies. President Bush called it "a threat to international peace and security," and the U.N. Security Council weighed severe sanctions to punish the impoverished communist nation.

There was no talk of military action. But the Security Council quickly condemned North Korea's decision to flout a U.N. appeal to cancel the test after the reclusive regime announced it had set off an underground atomic explosion.

Russia was the only country to say it had "no doubts" over the North Korean claim. The U.S. and other experts said the explosion was smaller than expected and they had yet to confirm it was nuclear.

Documents: CIA Warned of Plane Bomb Plot
Oct 10, 2:43 AM (ET)
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (AP) - An anti-Castro militant now in a Texas jail warned the CIA months before the 1976 bombing of a Cuban airliner that fellow exiles were planning such an attack, according to a newly released U.S. government document.

The document shows that Luis Posada Carriles - who had worked for the CIA but was cut off by the agency earlier that year - was secretly telling the CIA that his fellow far-right Cuban exiles opposed to Fidel Castro's communist government were plotting to bring down a commercial jet.

The document does not say what the CIA did with Posada's tip. A CIA spokesman said he had no comment on Monday, a federal holiday.

The CIA had extensive contacts with anti-Castro militants and trained some of them, but has denied involvement in the bombing.

The documents were posted online Thursday by the National Security Archive, an independent research institute at George Washington University that seeks to declassify government files through the Freedom of Information Act.

Student Fires Gun in Mo. Middle School
Oct 9, 10:04 PM (ET)
JOPLIN, Mo. (AP) - Fascinated by the Columbine bloodbath, a 13-year-old boy in a dark green trenchcoat and mask carried an assault rifle into his school Monday, pointed it at students and fired a shot into a ceiling before the weapon jammed, authorities said. No one was hurt.

"Please don't make me do this," he was quoted as telling administrators before police arrested him and thwarted what they called a "well thought-out plan" to terrorize his school.

Police said a note in the student's backpack indicated he had planted an explosive in the school, but no bombs were found.

Schools across the country have been on alert since three deadly school shootings in three states in a week.

Lower Standards Help Army Recruit More
Oct 10, 2:44 AM (ET)
WASHINGTON (AP) - The U.S. Army recruited more than 2,600 soldiers under new lower aptitude standards this year, helping the service beat its goal of 80,000 recruits in the throes of an unpopular war and mounting casualties.

The recruiting mark comes a year after the Army missed its recruitment target by the widest margin since 1979, which had triggered a boost in the number of recruiters, increased bonuses, and changes in standards.

The Army recruited 80,635 soldiers, roughly 7,000 more than last year. Of those, about 70,000 were first-time recruits who had never served before.

According to statistics obtained by The Associated Press, 3.8 percent of the first-time recruits scored below certain aptitude levels. In previous years, the Army had allowed only 2 percent of its recruits to have low aptitude scores. That limit was increased last year to 4 percent, the maximum allowed by the Defense Department.

The Army said all the recruits with low scores had received high school diplomas. In a written statement, the Army said good test scores do not necessarily equate to quality soldiers. Test-taking ability, the Army said, does not measure loyalty, duty, honor, integrity or courage.

Gunmen Assassinate Brother of Iraq VP
Oct 9, 10:25 PM (ET)
BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - The brother of Iraq's Sunni Arab vice president was assassinated Monday by gunmen who broke into his home, the third of the politician's four siblings to be slain this year. Sunnis blamed Shiite militias and demanded a crackdown to stop the capital's raging sectarian violence.