Comeuppance

By Dolores Hazen
Howlin' Leroy Eenk Staff Writer

WASHINGTON - Muhammad Ali doesn't have anything on Democrats, whose Rope-a-Dope strategy initiated Sept. 12, 2001 ended Tuesday night when the Party of Jefferson proved that Americans would vote them into power only after Republicans ran into the ground the world's most hated republican democracy.

The Nov. 7 elections have yet to be certified, but Democrats have unofficially claimed the U.S. House of Representatives by a healthy margin, and are verging on stealing the U.S. Senate with a majority of one. But now that their liberal base has taken the Democrats out to Red Lobster and a Will Ferrell movie, they're expecting something in return.

For the first time in six years Democrats may control a branch of the government. The GOP holds a majority on the U.S. Supreme Court, and the White House is still occupied by Bush, who is shrinking faster than an anorexic on a four-day methamphetamine bender.

Although Democrats will presumably control Congress and conduct the ever-important business of sculpting a budget, their majority is not great enough to override a veto from President Bush, who appeared shocked Wednesday after the results were counted, calling the election a "thumpin.'"

In order to govern, Democrats will have to first stop congratulating themselves, then assess the situation.

Democrats have inherited a civil war ignited by an illegal war, a budget deficit that is larger than most of the world's GDPs, a teetering economy, a porous border, a population whose hubris is rivaled only by its ignorance, a marginally literate president with a raging case of IBDS (Itty-Bitty Dick Syndrome), and thousands of lunatic assholes who want to dirty bomb the Great Satan before they end up on the business end of a water board.

The task is daunting, admits Heustis Boagard, executive director of Elite Homosexual Abortionists for Interracial Socialism, a staunch Democratic ally in the 2006 campaign and a high ranking member of the Liberal Media Conspiracy. But he doesn't care.

"The country is definitely in trouble, and I have faith the Democrats will solve all of our problems, but their first order of business has to be raking Bush over the coals," Boagard said Wednesday. "We didn't give them all that money, published all those crappy books, started a Goddamn radio station, fucked up our cars with bumper stickers, just to see him get a pass. We want blood."

Nancy Pelosi, the heir apparent to the most spacious office in the House, has said she will not impeach Bush.

"That's fine to say before the election," said Deborah Ishkabob, a field manager for Satanists Against the War, which supported five Massachusetts Statehouse races. "Say what you have to say to get elected, I don't care. But I want his fucking head on a pike."

Ishkabob understands that an unlikely impeachment in the House, and an even more unlikely conviction in the Senate, would likely deliver justice for the Bush Administration's crimes against humanity while at the same time tearing the country in half and possibly provoking the final death blow to the already fragile democracy.

"Fuck it," she said, exhaling a mighty bong toke. "Impeach the motherfucker."

For their part, the stunning victory has made most Democrats incapable of more than sentence fragments and an occasional tear of joy.

Frank Culpepper, Illegal Contribution Director for House Democrats, said liberals were bound to feel betrayed, and they'd get over it in time to elect Hillary Clinton second place in 2008.

"We'll deal with that later," Culpepper said. "Now it's time for hookers and cocaine."

Tuesday's initiatives and referendums proved to be a mixed bag for liberals. Gays won in Arizona, a Muslim from Minnesota became the House's first non-infidel, Rumsefeld resigned, but marijuana legalization lost in Nevada.