Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Accused of Plagiarism

Please, Unabomber, don't sue 'em

From the Editors:

WASHINGTON — Howlin’ Leroy Eenk, the stalwart of high-brow public affairs news and opinion that has dominated the media landscape since its inception, has become the latest newspaper to caramelize in the bubbling sauce pan of plagiarism.

A Topeka, Kansas lawyer said Friday that in dozens of stories over the course of the past three years, instead of delivering readers the freshest and most insightful coverage of the issues that matter most to them, Howlin’ Leroy Eenk reporters and editors, mostly the reporters, have been padding their stories with giant chunks of Industrial Society and Its Future, commonly known as the Unabomber Manifesto.

Plagiarism is considered a “carnival sin” in journalism. It is an offense that if proven leads to the banishment of the now former reporter. It is akin to fictionalizing editorial copy. It is an offense that can, often does, and should sink an organization, even those with similar accolades as those that have been bestowed upon Howlin’ Leroy Eenk, our “Purple Goose.”

Attorney Horace Cumpercrumb, representing convicted unabomber, Theodore “The Unabomber” Kaczynski, says that Howlin’ Leroy Eenk should make a public apology, publish Industrial Society and Its Future, and pay both of them an amount of money that cannot legally be disclosed.

Upon hearing the news of the lawsuit, we were stunned. The effect on the public has not been scientifically tallied, there have been no polls. But an unscientific poll among Howlin’ Leroy Eenk editorial staff spouses and children found increased groundings, erratic mood shifts, fight or flight temper tantrums and crying jags.

To maintain the appearance of objectivity, senior editors at Howlin’ Leroy Eenk tasked us with the task of assigning a “task force” to investigate the allegations and file a complete report. We didn’t object, because with these kinds of things the boys upstairs generally don’t care if you order a few pizzas, have a few beers, or call over a few hookers. Just as long as the job gets done.

The investigation took many hours, and led to a series of bad personal decisions, and was more boring than anything. We never read our own paper, so it was a real drag to actually have to sit down with it. Can you believe that they fill up A2 with celebrity news? And what the fuck is up with the front page? Since when do we sell ads on the front page? That’s fucking sacred ground, man. That’s bull shit.

After blowing off some steam, we got down to business. Some did more work than others.

Passages caught our eye as suspect after skimming just one edition, like this Nov. 16 story by Howlin’ Leroy Eenk reporter Lance Carbunckle about a measure in the U.S. House of Representatives to require states to provide scratch-and-sniff ballots to the blind:

Some fear that the “smellots” will create opportunities for mischief and corruption, with one party dousing the others smellot with an unpleasant odor, like poop.
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“The system does not and cannot exist to satisfy human needs,” said University of Croton Political Science Prof. Geoff LaGnarflle. “Instead, it is human behavior that has to be modified to fit the needs of the system.”

Now compare that to this excerpt from Canto 119 of Industrial Society and Its Future:

The system does not and cannot exist to satisfy human needs. Instead, it is human behavior that has to be modified to fit the needs of the system.

At first we were split, some of us slowly, if not hesitantly, edging toward hedging on the possibility that a staffer at our beloved periodical could have perhaps considered filling out their stories with blather from the Internet. Others were unconvinced by the evidence.

But the following lead and nutgraph from this Dec. 2 San Antonio-datelined Dolores Hazen profile of Barack Obama raised eyebrows.

By Dolores Hazen
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff Writer

SAN ANTONIO — The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.

They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world.

Compare that to Canto 1 of Industrial Society and Its Future:

The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world.

Or, another example is this pull-quote from a Dec. 5 critical review of the family film “Night at the Museum” written by Bonita Applebum:

In order to get our message before the public with some chance of making a lasting impression, we've had to kill people. Bring the whole family!

Compare with Canto 96 of Industrial Society and Its Future:

In order to get our message before the public with some chance of making a lasting impression, we've had to kill people.

In this example, if you look carefully, you may note that it somewhat appears that the two lines may resemble each other.

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After careful consideration and robust deliberation, marked by several stirring speeches and one guy actually doing the work, our task force reached this conclusion:

Although there is no concrete evidence that Howlin’ Leroy Eenk reporters and editors, mainly the reporters, stole Mr. Kaczynski’s treatise and passed it off as their own work to fill in the pages of this august publication, this public trust, we have decided that if they did, it may have actually constituted an improvement.

Therefore we find the allegations, like our employers, are without merit and recommend that no further action be taken.