Friday, June 01, 2007

It's All Right Ma, I'm Only Bleeding


RELEASE: IMMEDIATELY

CONTACT:
Bonch “Gupta” Choader
0-212-5185-5465

Howlin’ Leroy Eenk To Coin New Marketing Slogan

NEW YORK — Members of a subcommittee formed by Overlord Holdings, Inc. CEO Jimmy Tickles and tasked with reinvigorating the flagging Howlin’ Leroy Eenk marketing department voted Thursday to begin the search for a new advertising theme.

The fixture of the American political scene since there has been a political scene, Howlin’ Leroy Eenk boasts more top shelf journalism awards and commendations from local chambers of commerce than all of the country’s other 86 remaining daily newspapers combined. But since being rocked by allegations of mismanagement, ethical violations, substance abuse, sexual harassment and plagiarism, the mighty oak in the forest of news gathering organizations has grown sickly and hollow.

The staff are missing and presumed dead, the historic building a block from the Capitol where Howlin’ Leroy Eenk kept its editorial office declared a health hazard by the city on Wednesday.

“Only a whip-smart, ironic, dazzling slogan is going breathe life into this sad sack,” Tickles said after the committee’s decision. “And if this committee doesn’t produce that slogan, I will feed them to my menagerie of exotic pets.”

Since World War II, the blog used slogans coined by longtime assistant metro editor, Danforth O’Flanagan:

New York Intellectuals Read It!

and

If you can read, you should read Howlin’ Leroy Eenk!

During the go-go 1980s, the marketing department, then headed by a mysterious stranger who wore a black cape and talked to a mouse kept hidden in his vest pocket, took a turn toward the hard sell with:

You fucking jackoff, read Howlin’ Leroy Eenk!

During the 1990s, as senior editorial department employees in supervisory roles began manufacturing controlled substances, standards dropped, along with circulation, and a contracted firm of white, 13-year-old Internet ventrue capitalists came up with:

Bitches Be Loving a Learned Motherfucker! Read HLE!

A date for printing the first issue after remounting the helm on the black-flagged ship of journalism has not been set.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

'The blog that President Kennedy read on Air Force One'



RELEASE: IMMEDIATELY

CONTACT:
Bonch “Gupta” Choader
0-212-5185-5465

Howlin’ Leroy Eenk to Resume Publishing ‘Soon,’ CEO Says

NEW YORK —The trusty periodical that has graced the computer-like devices of America’s intelligentsia since 1873 and had its assets liquidated Tuesday, Howlin’ Leroy Eenk, will resume publication, Overlord Holdings CEO Jimmy Tickles said Tuesday.

“No longer will Howlin’ Leroy Eenk cavort in the filth, no more payola, no more advertisers running editorial meetings, no more stuffing stories with the God damn Unibomber manifesto,” Tickles said. “We’re going to have a nice, family publication. Real gentry-like, see?”

The publication had been known as the blog that President Kennedy read on Air Force One. Then there is the chestnut about Jean Paul Sartre crying himself to sleep when he got his rejection letter. Howlin’ Leroy Eenk was at the top of the beltway game, proud, like an eagle, or a wise and colorful parrot with an unusually large repertoire of racial pejoratives, preening in a cage lined with the New York Times.

Though once proud, the historic publication fell into disrepair after years of staff members using and manufacturing illegal substances. Improvements were made, efficiencies implemented, but once the Democrats took Congress last November, the sordid tale just got sordider. A flood of atheists, drugs and floozies washed over the east coast, then a mysterious fire at the New York bureau, and no one has been heard from since.

As in past instances, the virtual shutdown of the blog’s New York and Washington DC bureaus was not immediately noticed by the board for several months.

The exact date publication will resume will be decided during a fight to the death of a lion and a cougar, Tickles said, noting that cougars are also called lions. The location of the death match cannot be disclosed for personnel reasons.

The regular staff writers who kept Howlin’ Leroy Eenk readers informed with the latest developments of the day, using only the latest in sexiness and reporting technology, cannot be located. These former employees still owe Overlord Holdings for the copper wire they stripped form the walls. Local law enforcement agencies have applied for arrest warrants.

In the place of reporters Dolores Hazen and Lance Carbunckle, critic Bonita Applebaum, Executive Editor/Communications Director Bonch Choader, and the World-Famous Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Editorial Board featuring Hal Grundine, Overlord Holdings contracted with a firm based in Bangladesh that provides news and opinion-like content.

Steps were taken to commence reimbursement of the local government agency that dealt with the New York bureau.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Who's a Good Boy?

"A public session of mutual appreciation."
A National Public Radio reporter describing Britain's Tony Blair making his farewell visit with U.S. President George Bush before Blair steps down as prime minister. May 17, 2005

Saturday, February 10, 2007

My hero




Try scan no thing three-card dead fly man go for bling he got bled
I jam over sting see spots red I am "Sofa King, We Todd Ed"
-MF DOOM

Thursday, January 25, 2007

How I could just kill a man

New Jersey Department of Corrections

From the Editors:


As regular readers know, we don’t usually run entire stories from other publications, but this item from the Newhouse News Service deserves it. Stories like this make us hope there is some divine well of mercy in the universe, and we hope that this lost brother finds his sins washed.

We actually read his book, in 1996, after a friend from New Jersey lent it to us. It is as good as it sounds.

We urge all Howlin’ Leroy Eenk readers to finish this wonderfully-written account in its entirety, and to read Brother Porambo's book.

____________

Fearless reporter became a killer and an outcast
By BRAD PARKS
The Star-Ledger of Newark

NEWARK, N.J. -- That no one was around to save Ron Porambo when he began choking was at least partly his fault.

Even the few people who liked Porambo admitted he had a special talent for annoyance. And after enough years in the medical ward at New Jersey State Prison, he had annoyed enough people that everyone involved decided it would be better if he ate his meals alone in his cell.

Which is what he was doing when he took his final, gasping breaths.

Authorities couldn't figure out what killed him at first, not until the Mercer County Medical Examiner's Office opened him up and found bits of orange in his throat. That's how they ascertained Ron Porambo _ the fearless reporter turned murderer, the self-styled renegade author, the man who once survived three gunshot wounds to the head _ choked to death on a piece of fruit.

``You can find 2,000 stories right here in this building,'' said Rasheed Mujahid, an inmate at New Jersey State Prison who was Porambo's caretaker. ``But none of them are quite like Ron's.''

It will never be confused with a happy story. At the time of his passing on Oct. 22, Porambo, 67, had just one friend in the outside world.

A bullet lodged in his brain years earlier so impaired his functioning, he struggled to control his bowels, drooled, and could barely wipe his nose. And while his mind remained sharp, it was imprisoned behind a speech impediment that made him unintelligible.

He had been estranged from his wife and children for so long, officials at New Jersey State Prison looking to notify next of kin were unable to find them.

His few worldly possessions fit inside two plastic bins. The only reason he didn't end up in a pauper's grave is because a brother he hadn't spoken to in 20 years decided to claim the remains in a fit of last-minute fraternal guilt.

Before the series of wrong turns that led him to that end, Porambo was the kind of journalist who took pains to tell the truth, no matter how ugly. And Ron Porambo the journalist would likely conclude that, by nearly any measure of a well-led life, his was a waste. Except for one thing. And now it's all that's left of him.

There was a time in Newark when everyone knew the book: Ron Porambo's ``No Cause for Indictment,'' a stinging condemnation of the corruption, racism, poverty and police brutality that fomented the city's 1967 riots.

``It was a reference point,'' said Amiri Baraka, then as now a leader in Newark's black community. ``One had to be able to say, `Yes, I know that book' whether you had read it or not.''

At the heart of its 398 pages is a section in which Porambo took eyewitness accounts of 22 riot-related civilian deaths, which he called ``homicides,'' and juxtaposed them with the grand jury's findings, that there was ``no cause for indictment'' for any of the police officers or National Guardsmen involved, meaning they would spend no time in jail. He called those findings ``a calculated, disgraceful travesty.''

What he couldn't have known when he wrote those words is that he would spend his final 23 years in jail _ or that the book would help cause his downfall.

Porambo thought ``No Cause'' would win the Pulitzer Prize and give him the professional acceptance he always craved. Instead, the book's lukewarm reception made him so bitter and disillusioned with the journalism establishment, he turned to crime.

Which leads to the final irony of his life. After all these years, Melville House has decided to reissue the book in conjunction with the 40th anniversary of the riots this July. In addition to celebrating the author's contribution to Newark history, the publisher plans to market the book to journalism schools as a foremost example of old-fashioned street reporting.

In other words, the business that long spurned Ron Porambo may someday hold up his work as a model for future generations.

And he died before he ever got to see it happen.

``In some ways, Ron's life really depicts the tragic trajectory of the city of Newark. It had so much wasted promise,'' Melville House publisher Dennis Johnson said. ``But you know what? His life also had this one great piece of work. And, by God, if you accomplish one great thing like that in your life, is it really a wasted life?''

It's a life that, for simplicity's sake, can be divided into two parts: the time when he wrote about the thugs, pushers and pimps who populated society's underbelly; and the time when he joined them.

The graying set of journalists and activists who remember Porambo like to say he became one of the characters he wrote about. But that isn't quite right. Because, more than anything, Porambo wrote about the disadvantaged and disenfranchised. Which is exactly what he never was.

As his brother, Carl Porambo, tells it, Ron was raised in a middle-class home in Union County with a mother who doted on him and a father whose patented invention _ the world's first (and only) double-twist cruller machine _ made the family comfortable.

But Ron wasn't wired to join the country club set. He loved to box, becoming a New Jersey Golden Gloves champion as a teenager. He was drawn to journalism, hardly a get-rich-quick business. And although he was white, he was fascinated by the long struggle of blacks.

As a young reporter who fashioned himself after Jimmy Breslin and considered himself part of Tom Wolfe's ``New Journalism,'' Porambo gravitated toward the black section of whatever town he covered. And he married Carol Scott, a black woman. Porambo's family still talks about when Ron ``went black.''

``He just wanted to be different,'' Carl Porambo said. ``The kid drove a Javelin, smoked a pipe, drank tea, wore suspenders with a belt and corduroy pants. And he married a black girl.''

Fred Bruning was the best man at the wedding. He and Porambo met in the early 1960s as cub reporters at the now-defunct Knickerbocker News.

``He was a fearless, resourceful reporter,'' said Bruning, who chronicled Porambo's life for Newsday Magazine in 1989 and was his only outside friend by the end. ``And he felt the history of black Americans and the grave injustices committed against them made black people as a group more interesting than white people as a group.''

Porambo's talent made him an intriguing job applicant, and he was hired by more than a dozen papers during a rambling journalism career that included three stops in New Jersey _ the Atlantic City Press, the Elizabeth Daily Journal and The Star-Ledger of Newark.

``He wrote some wonderful stories. They were delightful, irreverent,'' said Bill Roesgen, Porambo's editor at the Kingsport (Tenn.) Times-News. ``He stepped on a lot of toes.''

That was also true inside the newsroom. Former colleagues described him as stubborn, quarrelsome and inflexible _ whether it was about the length of his stories (he always insisted on more space than editors wanted to give him) or his desire to carry a gun (he felt he needed one for protection).

His tenure at The Star-Ledger was typical. As he did elsewhere, he set up an electric teapot at his desk. Mort Pye, the paper's longtime editor, wasn't keen on having a fire hazard in the newsroom and asked him to unplug it. Porambo refused and either left or was fired.

And while those kind of moves made him something of a hero in journalistic circles _ he was the reporter with the temerity to tell off his editors and the conviction to walk out if they didn't like it _ his brother just saw him as a guy who couldn't keep a job, who stormed out of newsrooms then came crawling home with his hand out.

``My parents were always there to catch him when he fell. They gave him so much money,'' Carl Porambo said. ``I had a lot of animosity toward my brother. I just felt like my parents were rewarding him for messing up.''

So Ron Porambo had his parents' backing when he decided, not long after the Newark riots, to quit his job at the Elizabeth Daily Journal and write the definitive book about the uprising.

He moved his wife and three children into his parents' home in Short Hills. He was 28, and this was to be his opus. He spent three years reporting and writing it.

The resulting work was bleak but powerful. Shortly after its release in 1971, the New Yorker deemed it ``probably the most moving and instructive book yet written on any of the bloody civil disturbances of the sixties.'' Its first printing of 7,500 sold out and its second printing also did well.

But its success was never more than modest, and it did not propel Porambo to the big time.

``Anybody who writes a first book thinks it's the book that's going to change America. The reality is, that rarely happens,'' said Warren Sloat, who helped Porambo write the final draft. ``He expected to be on the cover of Time magazine and for the royalties to put his family in good stead. But it never really went anywhere.''

His conclusion _ that the white power structure was to blame for the riot and then conspired to cover up crimes committed by overzealous white cops _ was not a popular one. The Star-Ledger and Newark Evening News ignored the book. Then again, it probably didn't help that the book accused the papers of protecting the corrupt city fathers, saying ``the two local papers assume their rightful positions alongside Newark's businessmen as the whorehouse's blushing counterfeit virgins.''

The New York papers didn't pay much attention, either.

``He felt the business betrayed him,'' Bruning said. ``He felt like he had done unique work and it should have given him access to the top tier of journalism, but that never happened.''

Instead, he got a job in local television.

``As a reporter, he was totally fearless,'' said Bob Curvin, a longtime Newark community leader. ``He would take on anyone. He was on that `if you don't like what I'm doing, shoot me' kind of track.''

And, of course, it wasn't long before someone did. Twice, actually. Both were drive-by jobs. The first missed. The second time, he was hit in the leg.

Porambo told the New York Times ``the Italian people who run this town'' wanted him silenced in retaliation for the book. The police hinted Porambo may have shot himself and dismissed it as a publicity stunt.

Either way, it wasn't long before Porambo was in other trouble. He was charged with giving a police officer a $50 bribe to obtain coroner's photos of riot victims. He served three months in jail.

It was the beginning of his path from journalist to outlaw.

The transformation is one that is still, in many ways, inexplicable.

``I've told Ron's story hundreds of times,'' Bruning said. ``And it's almost scripted: When you get to that point in the story, people always say, `What? How could anyone go from reporter to armed robber?' To me, it remains an open question.''

To others who knew Porambo, it made sense, even if the logic he used was twisted.

``He just never understood that when black people defied the law, it had a point to it. There were material goals and things we wanted to accomplish,'' Baraka said. ``With Ron, defiance was the goal. It was struggle for the sake of struggle.''

Porambo told friends he had found ways to take what the world owed him: by robbing drug dealers.

``He felt like he was doing the public a service, relieving these miscreants of their ill-gotten gains,'' said Knox Berger, his former agent. ``He really romanticized what he was doing.''

The authorities were less enthralled. Porambo served nearly three years in prison for robbing and pistol-whipping a couple outside a Scotch Plains restaurant. He briefly tried journalism again when he got out, but was soon back to creating stories, not writing them.

He started impersonating public officials during his robberies. Union County authorities were in the midst of investigating him for posing as a state trooper to gain entrance to a home in Westfield when he finally committed the crime that defined the rest of his life.

Disguised as a bearded fire inspector, he broke into the home of Sidney Davis, an Irvington drug dealer, on the night of April 10, 1983. The robbery went bad when an accomplice raped Davis' girlfriend. During the ensuing struggle, Porambo shot and killed Davis.

Porambo made his getaway, but police found him a month later _ slumped in a car in Newark, near death, with three bullet wounds to the head, unable to say who shot him or why. Police also found a fake beard and a fire inspector's uniform in his car.

``I don't recall him expressing any remorse for robbing (Davis) or shooting him,'' said Al Constants, who prosecuted the case. ``He thought he was on some kind of high road.''

Porambo was sentenced to life, and prison did not suit him well. A year into his incarceration, he threatened to starve himself to death if he did not receive speech or occupational therapy for the disabilities that resulted from his shooting. He wrote a letter to prison officials detailing his ``suicide schedule,'' warning them, ``My death will be on your conscience.''

It was an empty threat, but he was no less demanding or threatening to friends and family.

His sister-in-law, Nancy Porambo, tried mailing him food and books. But he became enraged if she didn't select the right brand or the right author. Finally, when she sent him a typewriter he didn't like, Nancy said Ron threatened to kill her and her children. She stopped talking to him after that.

As other family members and friends also cut off contact, Porambo's world became increasingly small, confined to the medical wing at New Jersey State Prison.

That was where, five years ago, he met Mujahid, the fellow inmate who was his caretaker. Mujahid, who also was serving a life sentence for murder, was a native of Newark's South Ward and admired ``No Cause'' _ and its author.

``He was a good dude,'' Mujahid said. ``He had a genuine heart. It's like what they say about pets. He gave people unconditional love.''

Of course, Porambo had needs. He could still walk, spending his two hours of daily recreation time pacing in circles around the prison yard, but was hopeless at small motor activities, like tying his shoes or typing a letter. Mujahid became Porambo's secretary.

Which is why he read the letter Porambo received late last spring: After all these years, someone wanted to republish his book.

The letter had a story of its own, of course. Johnson, the Melville House publisher, had decided to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the Newark riots and tasked editor Becky Kraemer with finding something suitable.

She came back with Porambo's book and a quandary: Did they want to publish a book written by a murderer?

``It was kind of a tricky decision,'' Johnson said. ``But the first time I read the book, I just couldn't put it down.''

It was the quality of reporting that hooked Johnson, a former journalism professor. Plus, history has been kind to some of Porambo's once-controversial ideas.

``A lot of my friends hated Ron for what he wrote and at times I did, too,'' Carl Porambo said. ``But now, after all these years, you realize: He was right.''

Melville House corresponded with Ron Porambo and, with Mujahid's help, worked out a contract. Because of his speech problems, Porambo was unable to articulate what the republishing meant to him. But Mujahid often had to apologize for smudge marks on the letters. Ron kept crying on them.

``I'd like to think we're one of the good things that has happened to Ron in the dark final decades of his life,'' Johnson said. ``I take some comfort that he died knowing his great work was not going to be forgotten forever.''

Melville House is still planning a July release. Bruning is writing the foreword. He visited his old friend in July to interview him and take one last shot at asking the question that always perplexed him: Why? Why turn in a typewriter for a gun? Why throw it all away?

``The other times I asked him about it, he always went on about how he needed to feed his family and how the business had betrayed him and how he was justified in doing what he did,'' Bruning said. ``This time, he just said one word:

```Mistake.'''

(Brad Parks is a staff writer for The Star-Ledger of Newark, N.J. He can be contacted at bparks@starledger.com.)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Stay away, this thing will hurt someone

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Letters to the editor

Some readers believe certain unsigned editorials by our editorial board amount to treason.

Dear Howlin' Leroy Eenk:

Typical media-elite defeatist bullshit is what you produce. (Saturday, November 18, 2006
What if they had a war and no babies got killed?) Freedom isn't free, you cowards, and the men who are fighting, and dying, so that you can produce this kind of rubbish, would appreciate knowing where they can find you after they return from a proud victory in Iraq.


Love in Christ,
Laura Bush
Washington, D.C.

We couldn't agree more. It's the union's fault. We would have fired the editorial board en masse last November after they endorsed Rev. Fred Phelps in our state's U.S. Senate race. -Ed.

Dear Howlin' Leroy Eenk:

My wife and I get a good laugh from your publication, especially from all the grammatical mistakes, incorrect punctuation, and typos. Don't you have proof readers?

Sincerely,
Horace Freely
Naperville, Ill.

Yes, we do. By the way, your wife thinks you have a small penis. If you ask her, she'll deny it. -Ed.

Dear Howlin' Leroy Eenk:

You should have more entertainment news. There is a major feud between Rosey O'Donnell and Donald Trump that is riveting the country, and I have to go elsewhere to hear the latest.

As ever,
Sharon Hochstetter
Portland, Ore.

We're still mourning Brit and Kevin. -Ed.


Dear Howlin' Leroy Eenk:

I used to read your publication, until you guys became corporate tools. Way to go, you bitch sell outs.

Go to hell,
Anne Coulier
New York, New York

I know, we suck. -Ed.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

My dreams aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be



By Dolores Hazen
Holwin' Leroy Eenk Staff Writer

WASHINGTON - It used to be an hour or two on the mountain bike could solve any problem, or at least sooth his nerves and give him some perspective.

Get the heart beating, the sweat flowing, crank up the Lee Greenwood on his iPod and he could almost feel the stress and the tension melt away.

Nowadays, it isn't so easy for U.S. President George Bush to forget his troubles. After losing Congress to the opposition in an election that sent a clear message that it wants the Iraq occupation to end, the most powerful man in the world has been feeling a little powerless.

And with Democrats, many Republicans and the public at large scoffing at his decision to increase the number of U.S. troops in Iraq to 150,000, he said he can't help but feel misunderstood.

"It's just 21,000 more troops," he said Thursday, sulking in the White House's executive locker room after a morning ride. "It's not like it's my fault that things are going so badly in Iraq. It's the terrorists and the insurgents, and the Hollywood elite. I feel like sometimes I'm the only one that understands, that really appreciates, what we are doing over there to improve it."

Despite exuding the confidence citizens expect of their commander in chief, and swaggering with a definite swagger in his step, deep down, Bush is just another sensitive guy, he said.

"I'm not afraid to say that it hurts my feelings - it does," he said softly, taking longer than usual to towel his nether region. "It's not my fault."

Experts say that Bush's decision shows that, in spite of descending public approval ratings and the low confidence among Americans about his handling of the war, he must know something that the press and the public don't.

"The only other alternative is that he's making it up as he goes along," said Pennsylvania State University Political Science Prof. Malcolm Hornee. "And that's ludicrous. I mean, just look at the last six years, it was like a ballet, except with more missing limbs."

Bush criticized the press for emphasizing the bad news from Iraq, and not the good news, such as the fact that many more Americans were not being killed than were being killed, but he said he appreciated the good work the Associated Press, in particular, has done.

"They always report the number of Americans killed, and I understand, they have to do that, but they hardly ever mention the number of wounded Americans and the estimated number of dead Iraqis," Bush said. "That's a stand-up move."

William Preverte, a spokesman for the Associated Press, said the world's largest wire service does not report the number of dead Iraqis because readers don't care.

"If they wanted to be counted, they should have come to the U.S. and joined the armed forces, the greatest armed forces in the world," Preverte said.

Bush began reading Robert Bly books, burning aromatherapy candles during baths and every night watching the screen classic Old Yeller in an effort to calm himself from the anxious pace of life since becoming an isolated, unpopular president.

"It feels good," he said. "I feel like I'm finally finding myself."

At a Congressional Medal of Honor ceremony Wednesday, Bush wept openly while honoring U.S. Marine Cpl. Jason Dunham, 22, a Marine serving in Iraq who in April 2004 covered a live grenade with his helmet to save his comrades. He died eight days later from his injuries.

"I was thinking about how Travis didn't want to shoot poor old Yeller, but he had to do it," Bush said thoughtfully. "I feel like Travis sometimes."

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

From all of us, to all of you ...

Dec. 25, 2006
West Seattle

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Accused of Plagiarism

Please, Unabomber, don't sue 'em

From the Editors:


WASHINGTON — Howlin’ Leroy Eenk, the stalwart of high-brow public affairs news and opinion that has dominated the media landscape since its inception, has become the latest newspaper to caramelize in the bubbling sauce pan of plagiarism.

A Topeka, Kansas lawyer said Friday that in dozens of stories over the course of the past three years, instead of delivering readers the freshest and most insightful coverage of the issues that matter most to them, Howlin’ Leroy Eenk reporters and editors, mostly the reporters, have been padding their stories with giant chunks of Industrial Society and Its Future, commonly known as the Unabomber Manifesto.

Plagiarism is considered a “carnival sin” in journalism. It is an offense that if proven leads to the banishment of the now former reporter. It is akin to fictionalizing editorial copy. It is an offense that can, often does, and should sink an organization, even those with similar accolades as those that have been bestowed upon Howlin’ Leroy Eenk, our “Purple Goose.”

Attorney Horace Cumpercrumb, representing convicted unabomber, Theodore “The Unabomber” Kaczynski, says that Howlin’ Leroy Eenk should make a public apology, publish Industrial Society and Its Future, and pay both of them an amount of money that cannot legally be disclosed.

Upon hearing the news of the lawsuit, we were stunned. The effect on the public has not been scientifically tallied, there have been no polls. But an unscientific poll among Howlin’ Leroy Eenk editorial staff spouses and children found increased groundings, erratic mood shifts, fight or flight temper tantrums and crying jags.

To maintain the appearance of objectivity, senior editors at Howlin’ Leroy Eenk tasked us with the task of assigning a “task force” to investigate the allegations and file a complete report. We didn’t object, because with these kinds of things the boys upstairs generally don’t care if you order a few pizzas, have a few beers, or call over a few hookers. Just as long as the job gets done.

The investigation took many hours, and led to a series of bad personal decisions, and was more boring than anything. We never read our own paper, so it was a real drag to actually have to sit down with it. Can you believe that they fill up A2 with celebrity news? And what the fuck is up with the front page? Since when do we sell ads on the front page? That’s fucking sacred ground, man. That’s bull shit.

After blowing off some steam, we got down to business. Some did more work than others.

Passages caught our eye as suspect after skimming just one edition, like this Nov. 16 story by Howlin’ Leroy Eenk reporter Lance Carbunckle about a measure in the U.S. House of Representatives to require states to provide scratch-and-sniff ballots to the blind:

Some fear that the “smellots” will create opportunities for mischief and corruption, with one party dousing the others smellot with an unpleasant odor, like poop.
-
“The system does not and cannot exist to satisfy human needs,” said University of Croton Political Science Prof. Geoff LaGnarflle. “Instead, it is human behavior that has to be modified to fit the needs of the system.”

Now compare that to this excerpt from Canto 119 of Industrial Society and Its Future:

The system does not and cannot exist to satisfy human needs. Instead, it is human behavior that has to be modified to fit the needs of the system.

At first we were split, some of us slowly, if not hesitantly, edging toward hedging on the possibility that a staffer at our beloved periodical could have perhaps considered filling out their stories with blather from the Internet. Others were unconvinced by the evidence.

But the following lead and nutgraph from this Dec. 2 San Antonio-datelined Dolores Hazen profile of Barack Obama raised eyebrows.

By Dolores Hazen
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff Writer

SAN ANTONIO — The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.


They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world.


Compare that to Canto 1 of Industrial Society and Its Future:

The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world.

Or, another example is this pull-quote from a Dec. 5 critical review of the family film “Night at the Museum” written by Bonita Applebum:

In order to get our message before the public with some chance of making a lasting impression, we've had to kill people. Bring the whole family!

Compare with Canto 96 of Industrial Society and Its Future:

In order to get our message before the public with some chance of making a lasting impression, we've had to kill people.

In this example, if you look carefully, you may note that it somewhat appears that the two lines may resemble each other.

---------------

After careful consideration and robust deliberation, marked by several stirring speeches and one guy actually doing the work, our task force reached this conclusion:

Although there is no concrete evidence that Howlin’ Leroy Eenk reporters and editors, mainly the reporters, stole Mr. Kaczynski’s treatise and passed it off as their own work to fill in the pages of this august publication, this public trust, we have decided that if they did, it may have actually constituted an improvement.

Therefore we find the allegations, like our employers, are without merit and recommend that no further action be taken.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Problem solved

Friday, December 29, 2006

2006 Would Have Sucked If Not For Our Jam Box



The two albums released by DangerDoom, “The Mouse and the Mask” and “Occult Hymns,” are the co-winners of the Howlin' Leroy Eenk Best Co-Albums of 2006 Award


From The Editors:

Late this afternoon, about 3:30 p.m., when everybody is finished burping from a long lunch and people are starting to actually make calls and do some work, right before nap time, a superior blustered into our sanctuary and assigned a column for tomorrow’s paper. But not just any column, in fact, it wasn’t a column at all, something else entirely.

It was list, a Best Of... list, the most popular and unnutritious fact-based entertainment product humanity has produced.

As far as editorial boards go, we’re not the most “sober,” “informed,” or, as they say, “cooperative,” band of opinionmakers. But instead of slamming our fists on our desks, snapping at our authority figures (the advertising director, in this case), swearing up and down that we are this close to quitting, then saying something like, “Let’s burn this motherfucker down!,” we took the challenge and whipped up a Best Of 2006 list, a year we never really got to know as well as we should have.

It’s a Best Of list, all right, and it’s pretty great, because it doesn’t restrict itself to 2006. We sat down and found that it made more sense to list the best albums throughout the history of recorded music that we started listening to in 2006 because it was easier.

The year was significant in that it saw our little department make a shift from a predominately punk rock playlist to a more subdued and diverse collection of artists and genres. We listened to more jazz, bought a new copy of a classic, got reacquainted with an old friend called rap, and began listening to a couple new punk bands and even discovered for the first time a fusion band that hasn’t made a record in almost 10 years. And after several years of diminishing interest, country, blues, and classic rock music played less than a minor role. For the first time electronic music played on our stereo resulted in greater frequencies of “Ah, that’s my jam!”

So feast your eyes on the most arbitrary and unreliable information conveyance device in the Modern Paris Hilton Age, and come away less of a person.

The Top Ten Albums/Songs We Started Listening To In Earnest And Started Really Digging in 2006 That May Not Have Been Recorded Or Released In 2006

1-DangerDoom

The Mouse and the Mask (2005) Occult Hymns (2006)

The El Chupa Nibre alternate on the Occult Hymns album (which is free to download here, do yourself a favor) is speculator (Doom’s counting chickens like a colonel on D-Day), and by chance it’s a 2006 release. Perhaps we should award these two efforts with the coveted Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Best Co-Albums of 2006? Yes, we think so too. So it is.

2-Everything MF DOOM has ever done under any and all of his names. He is our hero right now.
(If I may speak freely, nasty like the freaky-deaky at your local sleazy speakeasy.)

3-Rashaan Roland Kirk

"Old Rugged Cross" – Trance inducing and should be avoided by pregnant women and those with heart conditions.

4-El-P

"Deep Space 9mm" – (Behind the walls of New Rome, you want to buy the farm but the land is not yours to own) And beside that, in the video for this Mad Max plea, El-P looks exactly like our friend Vern. We’re talking spitting image.

5-John Coltrane/Metric - Live It Out

We couldn’t decide between the sax legend and the Canadian electrorock. Last year we were pretty Stan Getz heavy in our musical selections, but we’ve drifted from the dreamy Westcoaster.

6- Pearl Jam – Pearl Jam – 2006

We’ve long been a fan of some Pearl Jam songs, and we’ve often sung the praises of “Do the Evolution,” but it wasn’t until this eponymous landslide that we actually owned a Pearl Jam album and played it regularly.

7-Sublime

"Santeria" – About the time this song was a hit we were studying the collected recordings of Robert Johnson and only heard popular music in the morning if our clock radio happened to randomly be turned to the right station. It’s a truly original song, not only in its aesthetic, but the juxtaposition of its soulful, melodic reggae/punk/rap form to the narrative, told through the perspective of an evil bastard. And like a character out of Milton, this devil has us actually rooting for him to hunt down his cheating girlfriend, who probably hates him because he’s an evil bastard, and beating her up and blowing the head off her suitor. He’s so consumed with rage at this relatively commonplace snub that he doesn’t care about his soul. His greatest joy is revenge. We play this one a lot, over and over.

8-Charles Mingus

It’s a better world because of Charles Mingus. And you owe it to yourself to check him out.

9- Fugazzi/Catheters/Dub Narcotic Sound System

We first heard these bands years ago, the Catheters at Bumbershoot 2003, DNSS in the kitchen of the 10th And Miller Pagliacci Pizza in 1996, and Fugazi sometime in high school, and were impressed and just got around to actually buying one of their albums this year. That’s how qualified we are to compile a Best Of ... list.

10 Mozart- Requiem

This has long been a favorite, but about five years ago our copy got scratched and wouldn’t play. We weren’t able to find the Robert Shaw version with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, so we broke down and got a different production. The Shaw version gets dissed a lot, but it makes us feel cozy.

Go to hell Stephen in advertising.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Battle for Seattle


“There’s a rainbow of ways to profit from war — dissent is small potatoes.”
-Bill Gates


From the editors:

At times, we worry about the state of dissent in the U.S.

There’s always been pamphlets, and Wobblies, and organizers, and with some luck there will always be rabble-rousers and nogoodniks and punks. Every country has them, even ours. Ours is a philosophy of individual conformity.

Dissent is on the rise, it’s in the news, you can tell from the letters to the editor, the bumper stickers in rural towns, and other harbingers, like the Nov. 7 election.

It’s the war. It’s increasingly becoming the one thing Americans can agree on.

Buildings were felled, three-thousand lives were lost. Those with allergies know too well: it’s not the irritant that kills, it’s the reaction to the irritant.

We’re close to killing ourselves, but we’ve been closer. For the first time in many years, things are looking up.

Violence is also on the rise. Most of the world is a military-industrial disaster zone, and the rest is fat. Like us.

But we if we look really hard, we think we might see a speck of hope in this six-year restless night.

The last time we reckoned our eyes weren’t playing tricks — that ..., yes, my man, I think that is light! — the last time we could bring ourselves to begin considering the well-quantified possibility that the American people, society at large, the average citizen, saw the light, a collective satori, the hundredth monkey, was about seven years ago.

Nov. 30, 1999, 50,000 people occupied the streets surrounding the Washington state Convention Center in Seattle as a direct action to disrupt, and if possible, shut down, the third World Trade Organization ministerial.

We at Howlin’ Leroy Eenk were there. We had reporters at Pine and Sixth, and standing alongside pop star Dave Matthews we saw more than a few dramatic examples of courage and conviction, and stupidity and systematic cruelty. It was a monumental experience for each of us, in our own ways, and for the rest of the 50,000 plus who planted their feet in defiance, and for the rest of the world who demonstrated in sympathy or screamed at their televisions.

But what changed us, the experience that altered the direction of each and every one of our lives, and our families lives, was what happened when we got home and turned on the television.

In-between the lies, the teleprompter-readers packed bullshit. When they ran out of bullshit, they used up their remaining lies to fill in the gaps, and there were many gaps. Then they sanded their horror of nature with falsehoods, applied two coats of half-truths, two coats of unattributed facts, and strung up a grand opening ribbon made from that linguistic vampire VIOLENCE. We also witnessed the coming out party of ANTI-GLOBALIZATION.

The revolution we saw on television was not the revolution we fought. We were demonstrating against our global trade system, the one that turns lack of democracy and education in poor countries into a comparative advantage, that conscripts the world’s poorest people and bitch slaps the planet all so some first-worlders can throw away their refrigerator when it clashes with new spatula.

What we saw on television was fiction. And while we took bong rips and screamed at the television, we reaffirmed our commitment to serving the public interest.

That said, we probably should not be surprised that a cheap profiteer is going to film a fictional movie about the demonstration, cleverly entitled The Battle in Seattle.

We here at Leroy Eenk aren’t known for being prone to snap judgements or grossly uninformed mudslinging, although we do it fairly regularly. Such is the case with our denunciation of this movie.

A high-quality documentary exploring the unrest is in order, we believe, and we would be the first to pledge $500,000 to the production of the high-quality documentary and then back out.

However, the Battle for Seattle is not going to be a documentary. It’s going to be something else.

You know when you take a dump sitting sideways on the toilet — because you are poor and your lavatory is tiny — and you get that brown streak of shit on the side of he toilet bowl? The Mark of The Beast?

That’s what this movie is going to be: relevant as a shit stain in the toilet bowl of popular culture.

So that’s strike one.

Strike two: scenes of the movie will be filmed in Seattle, but the production is taking place in Vancouver.
Nothing against Vancouver, and it might save a buck, but what’s the opportunity cost of disingenuousness? The people most likely to see the movie are those who were there, some 50,000 of them. (citation needed) Is it a good idea to give 50,000 people who already don’t like the idea of the movie the right to say that The Battle for Seattle is fecal matter?

Strike three arrived in Friday's Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which reported that former Seattle Mayor Paul Schell, the disgraced white settler, had not been contacted by the filmmakers.

That’s a little shocking. We can pretty much rule out the chance that The Battle for Seattle will be a Battle for Algiers, or a serious reflection on the actual events.

Strike four ... we weren’t asked to be stand-ins. We hear they make $100 a day.