Meet Staff Writer Lance Carbunckle!

Lance Carbunckle
Nick name: The Sink
Age: 34
Hometown: Brownsville, Texas
Education: U.C. Berkeley

Mr. Carbunckle covers elections and politics and is Howlin’ Leroy Eenk’s resident expert on industrial lubricants. He came to HLE after a more than a decade working on the most distinguished news desks in print journalism, including the San Francisco Examiner, the Washington Times, The New York Post, and The Seattle Times.

He received the 1998 Rev. Dr. Sun Myung Moon (The Sunny) Award for investigative journalism for his 12-part series on the clandestine sex life of former President Clinton, where Mr. Carbunckle spent six months undercover as an overweight female White House intern.

In his own words: “You weren’t planning on eating your lunch, were you? The one is the fridge? Oh. You should have put your name on it.”

Trivia :

-Mr. Carbunckle gave clyamydia to U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill and Internet gossip Matt Drudge.

-Mr. Carbunckle has never been convicted of any crime.

-Mr. Carbunckle gains the trust of his reclusive Capitol Hill sources through hand-jobs.

Stay tuned for more Howlin’ Leroy Eenk staff profiles!

Meet Staff Writer Delores Hazen!

Delores Anastasia Hazen
Nick name: Lolita
Age: 22
Hometown: New York City
Education: Choate, Harvard

Ms. Hazen covers the personalities, policies and hard to reach places of Congress, federal courts and the White House to finance her addiction to pain pills.

She started as an intern in January 2006, the same month she threatened Rev. Eenk with a sexual harassment lawsuit and also became the youngest staff writer in Howlin’ Leroy Eenk history. Also that month, the multi-generational tradition of “Friday Fondle-Day” came to an end.

In her own words: “Am I going to have to finish myself off?”

Trivia :

-Ms. Hazen gave U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. a cold sore. He caught clyamydia from somebody else.

-Ms. Hazen’s grandfather, the renowned physicist Bernard Abernathy Winchester, invented what are known today as fuzzy dice.

-Ms. Hazen gains the trust of her reclusive Capitol Hill sources through hand-jobs.

Stay tuned for more Howlin’ Leroy Eenk staff profiles!

It ain't over until Denny Hastert sings

May 5, 8:56 PM (ET)
WASHINGTON (AP) - Six months from mid-term elections, the intensity of opposition to Bush and Congress has risen sharply.

An AP-Ipsos poll also suggests that Democratic voters are far more motivated than Republicans.

This week's survey of 1,000 adults, including 865 registered voters, found:

- Just 33 percent of the public approves of Bush's job performance, the lowest of his presidency. Forty-five percent of self-described conservatives now disapprove of the president. The poll has a margin of error of 3 percentage points.

- A majority of Americans say they want Democrats rather than Republicans to control Congress (51 percent to 34 percent). That's the largest gap recorded by AP-Ipsos since Bush took office. Even 31 percent of conservatives want Republicans out of power.

Democrats need to gain 15 seats in the House and six in the Senate for control of Congress.

As for his overall job performance, history suggests that Bush's paltry 33 percent spells trouble for Republicans in the fall.

In the past six decades, only one president had a lower job approval rating six months before a midterm election - Richard Nixon in May 1974, the year in which Watergate-scarred Republicans lost 48 seats in the House and four in the Senate.

By November, Nixon was out of a job too, having resigned the presidency in August.

We are vain and we are blind - I hate people when they're not polite

By Lance Carbunckle
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff Writer

Last election, the hot-button issue that got the true reactionaries to the polls, the relatively asinine kerfuffle that drove conservatives bonkers, was gay marriage.

For the upcoming election, it will be immigration.

It all started last December, when the House Republicans quaffed a goblet of human blood and approved a bizarre, cynical measure that purportedly punished undocumented immigrants and those who would help them and exploit them.

The recent demonstrations were ostensibly in reaction to the measure.

Let’s take a superficial, uninformed look at the measure. I don’t read bills, but if I did, I would conclude that this particular piece of draconia would have a tough time finding a majority in the U.S. Senate, which is populated by a more thoughtful genus of half-ape/half-human, partly because they are more tied to corporate bananas then their lesser counterparts.

Why would the Amway elite of the House buy their Republican majority buddies in the Senate a dog that won’t hunt?

A reasonable person might say the House was determined to kick start the conversation over the issue of what the government should do about strengthening border security.

That reasonable person might get mooshed back into their seat by a couple of burly Hispanic dudes with tattoos on their neck while they simultaneously sang a poorly translated Spanish version of The Star Spangled Banner and ogled his daughter.

Another explanation might be that the GOP is serious about keeping their majority. It’s the perfect marriage in hell between government and politics. All those Republicans in the air-conditioned south can go back to their districts and say that they gave it their best shot, they tried to clense the countryside of the swarthy underclass.

A consequence of their unfunny modest proposal was massive street demonstrations across the country, which allowed non-U.S. flags to be featured squarely on the evening news.

Prior to the May Day demonstrations, Zogby poll results say that 61 percent of respondents said they were less sympathetic to the plight of illegal immigrants as a result of the first protests, news sources reported.

Compare that to 32 percent who said they were more sympathetic.

Did GOP strategists anticipate the backlash against the bill, and the outrage that would boil in America's racist heart at the spectacle of 100,000 Hispanics marching in Los Angeles?

Was that the plan all along?

Forward an outrageously inhumane bill (not to mention the poison pill of penalizing employers), damning the consequences if the thing ever gets signed, just to get a rise out of Hispanics?

Such an uprising by Hispanics would divert Americans' attention away from the war, corruption and the environment (like we needed help), and help white men in the south (the typical American voter) forget about their promise to abstain from moving the computer cursor over the GOP Web button in November (like we needed help with that either).

It would be crazy to assert the abovementioned hypothesis is true.

But more cynical things have happened.