There's no 'I' in 'newspaper'

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. - Arthur Miller

Pat Tillman (left) and his brother Kevin stand in front of a Chinook helicopter in Saudi Arabia before their tour of duty as Army Rangers in Iraq in 2003.

From the editors:

There has been a game of tug-of-war played between the right and left using the corpse of former NFL player and Afghanistan war casualty Pat Tillman. He had a multimillion dollar contract playing ball for the Arizona Cardinals but quit shortly after Sept. 11, 2001 and enlisted in the Army.

Pat Tillman told interviewers that people like him, rich and educated, often do not equally share the burden of defending the country on the battlefield, and he felt that he should. His lesser well known brother, Kevin, who also played sports at Arizona State University, was drafted by the Anaheim Angels but left and joined the Army as well.

They both became members of the elite Rangers and served in Afghanistan in the same unit.

Originally, the U.S. Army tried to cover up the fact that Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire in April 2004. And according to a recent Sports Illustrated story, members of the unit lied to Kevin about their role in Pat Tillman’s death.

It’s easy to dismiss Pat Tillman as a tool of the war machine, and many on the left did, until it was learned that Pat Tillman had a flaming bleeding heart and was even trying to arrange a meeting with philosopher Noam Chomsky before he was killed by his fellow Rangers. We also learned that the government wanted to make a poster boy out of Pat Tillman, helping to recruit other well-meaning young people, but Tillman refused and demanded that he be given a combat assignment.

Since then the right has backed off the square-jawed defensive back and business marketing major, and the left has picked up his body. It's fucking disgusting, we believe.

Then, last week, Kevin Tillman, who has since been discharged from the Army and kept to himself, sold an open letter to a lefty Web site, just in time for the Nov. 7 mid-term election.

If Keith Olbermann or Al Franken said these words, they wouldn’t raise an eyebrow. That they came from a veteran who lost his brother on the battlefield give them a power that cannot be easily dismissed. Maybe that isn’t fair, maybe it shouldn’t matter who is saying the words, they should be judged on their own merits.

We are republishing Kevin Tillman’s letter in it’s entirety. We believe it is the most important piece of writing to emerge from this fetid period in history.

It’s beautiful in its rage and from our position, Kevin Tillman is the only person alive that has the right to carry his brother's body.

Maybe it isn’t fair, but we implore all Howlin’ Leroy Eenk readers to consider Kevin Tillman’s words. The man he’s talking about, his brother, Pat Tillman, could have been president.

After Pat’s Birthday
By Kevin Tillman
Special to Truthdig

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we got out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.

Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,

Kevin Tillman

Needle eyes just got bigger

From the editors:

We're not sure if the story below is a joke or if a pro-free market Bible has actually been created. We have no reason to doubt its veracity.

However, if it is true, then we ... well, we don't know what to say.


Controversial new Bible cuts out difficult gospel passages

From Ekklesia.co.uk

LONDON, Oct. 18 - A new Bible translation is causing controversy after it cut out difficult parts surrounding economic justice, possessions and money.

The new bible version, released by the Western Bible Foundation in the Netherlands, has created a storm by trying to make the Christian gospel more palatable.

According to Chairman Mr. De Rijke the foundation has reacted to a growing wish of many churches to be market-oriented and more attractive. "Jesus was very inspiring for our inner health, but we don't need to take his naïve remarks about money seriously. He didn't study economics, obviously."

According to De Rijke no serious Christian takes these texts literally. "What if all Christians stopped being anxious, for example, and started expecting everything from God? Or gave their possessions to the poor, for that matter. Our economy would be lost. The truth is quite the contrary: a strong economy and a healthy work ethic is a gift from God."

The foundation wanted to "boldly go where no one else has gone before" by cutting out the confusing texts.

“We don't use them anyway! There's no single Christian selling his possessions and giving them to the poor."

The Western Bible is published – in Dutch only so far – by the well-known Christian publisher Buijten & Schipperheijn. IN it, some of the most important passages of the Bible: the Ten Commandments, sections of Isaiah, Proverbs, and the Sermon on the Mount, contain holes where the original translation urged radical actions around money, justice or affluence.

Hundreds of Western Bibles have been sold in the first few weeks, whilst anxious Christians filled newspapers and web logs with their doubts.

Sometimes Christians seem to have more anger than humour, however. The names of the board, ‘De Rijke’ (meaning ‘the rich’) and ‘Fortuijn’ (meaning ‘fortune’), as well as the holes in the pages of the Western Bible hint to the truth: the Western Bible is a joke.

It is published by Time to Turn, a network of Christian students and young adults in the Netherlands "who want to choose a sustainable and just way of life, based on their faith in Jesus Christ."

They do not believe in a new legalism, or in a utopian state, but in a God who is willing to deliver the world from materialism and injustice. Time to Turn is linked to the international student movement Speak.

Frank Mulder, chairman of Time to Turn, is surprised by the commotion.

"Many Christians accept the Western lifestyle, including the degradation of creation and the injustice of our trade, and they only take the easy parts of the gospel. But it isn't until we publish this gospel with holes, that they get confused!"

Time to Turn are soon to publish a bible study about the holes.

'That damn marijuana'

Note:

Every so often, there comes a story that defines the times. A story that speaks to us. It may not be a happy story, most often it is not. Sometimes the story can be happy and sad, like a hangnail.

But like a hangnail must be plucked and examined, maybe tasted, the story changes us, affects our balance, upsets our sure footing, makes it uncomfortable to walk, and perhaps requires a trip to a professional of some kind at a later date.

This is such a case, this story. Howlin' Leroy Eenk now presents it, fresh from the wire, unabridged, unblemished by the vulgar, red fingers of our copy desk. It is a glorious hangnail, and it tastes like vanilla.

Troops battle 10-foot marijuana plants
Oct 13, 8:48 AM (ET)
OTTAWA (Reuters) - Canadian troops fighting Taliban militants in Afghanistan have stumbled across an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of 10-feet-high marijuana plants.

General Rick Hillier, chief of the Canadian defense staff, said on Thursday that Taliban fighters were using the forests as cover. In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

"The challenge is that marijuana plants absorb energy, heat very readily. It's very difficult to penetrate with thermal devices ... and as a result you really have to be careful that the Taliban don't dodge in and out of those marijuana forests," he said in a speech in Ottawa.

"We tried burning them with white phosphorous -- it didn't work. We tried burning them with diesel -- it didn't work. The plants are so full of water right now ... that we simply couldn't burn them," he said.

Even successful incineration had its drawbacks.

"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those (forests) did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hillier said dryly.

One soldier told him later: "Sir, three years ago before I joined the army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana'."

What's up with Montana?

Wind

NAACP to Monitor Elections in 10 States
Oct 16, 12:01 PM (ET)
BALTIMORE (AP) - The NAACP said Monday that it will monitor voting in 10 states next month, sending observers to polling places, taking citizen complaints and notifying the Justice Department of any serious problems.

The states were chosen based on those with pivotal elections, states with concentrations of black voters, and those with a history of polling problems, according to the Baltimore-based civil rights organization.

President Bruce Gordon urged voters to persist in trying to cast ballots.

"While the NAACP will take steps to counter obstacles to voter participation, we are encouraging our communities to cast their votes, even if it requires extra effort," he said in a statement released before a news conference at the group's headquarters.

"Civil rights activists went to extraordinary lengths to earn the right for black Americans to vote. Some lost their lives. We owe it to them and ourselves to honor their sacrifice by voting, no matter what challenges we face."

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People plans to have hundreds of volunteers monitoring elections in Maryland, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Texas.


From the Editors:

Not that it’s a bad idea to monitor elections in the beforementioned states. In fact, we applaud one of the nation’s oldest and most respected civil rights organizations in doing so. Ohio’s shenanigans last presidential election, for example. However, after reviewing the criteria as explained in the above wire report and then reviewing the states to be monitored, we are curious why Illinois was not included.

The criteria included states with “pivotal elections ... concentrations of black voters, and those with a history of polling problems.”

When you think northern state with a lot of black people living in concentrations, pivotal elections for the picking, and a rich history of corruption and electoral irregularities, immediately, Illinois comes to mind.

Mort Sahl remarked that he wanted to be buried in Chicago so that he could remain active in politics after he was dead. Like no other place in the U.S., Illinois has the reputation for the wildest, woolliest and worst civic leadership in the history of our great republic. The current governor is under federal indictment and the last governor is facing a prison term.

It has the current governor facing a serious contender, Denny Hastert’s district (paging Tom Foley?), a downstate Republican embroiled in the page scandal.

As for African-Americans, Illinois has a’plenty. In fact, of the rest of the northern states selected, Illinois has more people and a higher percentage of black residents. Here’s the numbers:

U.S. Census Estimates 2004
(National average per state is 12.8 percent)

Illinois (not selected)
2004 pop. 12,763,371
Black persons, percent- 15.1%

Pennsylvania
2004 pop. 12,429,616
Black persons, percent - 10.5%

Ohio
2004 pop. 11,464,042
Black persons, percent - 11.9%

Michigan
2004 pop. 10,120,860
Black persons, percent - 14.3%

We can only wonder why.

Bitchified ho

By Longsworth Altoona III
Special to Howlin’ Leroy Eenk

The state prison guards watched the courtroom gallery with cold eyes and gray faces, like they saw a ghost.

The inmate shuffled into court, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit, hands cuffed and ankles shackled, and sat in the defendant’s chair. It was comfortable, and he relaxed and leaned back. The prison guards stood close to him, tense, and the sheriff deputies stood behind them.

He had big, blue rimmed, prison issue eyeglasses, a thick and mishaped afro and a long beard, ratty and straight like he sat in his cell pulling it. His belly lapped over the chains around his waist.

The prisoner was to be charged with custodial assault for attacking a guard at his home, the prison, where he had five more years to serve on several counts of first-degree rape of a child. The court he found himself in wasn’t the court that convicted him, a big city court. This court was smaller, a rural county, virtually all white.

It was Friday afternoon and the gallery was filled with criminals, loved ones, and lawyers. Friday afternoons are a time for the routine business of a superior court, a time to reset trials, check in with the judge, take piss tests, make a plea, change a plea, all the mundane actions and motions.

The judge opened his mouth to start the hearing, but he couldn’t get a word in.

The prisoner took in a breath, straining his restraints, like bellows filling with air. When he let out this great breath, accompanying it was a booming, “Fuck all this!”

The judge tried to talk, but the prisoner wouldn’t have it.

“Fuck you, motherfucker! Out of time! Out of time! Fuck all this shit!”

The prisoner’s public defender slouched in the chair next to him, eyes straight ahead, holding his right hand up to his temple. He hates these cases, just a waste of tax payer money. What can you do to somebody who has nothing left to lose?

The prisoner’s statements continued for a full minute, sixty seconds of menacing profanity. A suddenly attentive gallery snickered.

“I just want you to understand your rights,” the judge said.

“Fuck all that! And fuck you, cracker!”

The attorneys in the front row shifted in their seats and grinned a each other. They figured the prisoner went too far.

“Oops, that’s it,” one lawyer muttered under his breath. The guards looked ready to spring and yank the prisoner out of the comfortable chair.

The judge addressed the prison by mister.

“Fuck you, cracker, fuck all this! You’re nothing but a bitchified ho!” the prisoner hollered.

The judge turned to the public defender. “I understand there may be a mental health defense?”

The public defender opened his mouth, but the prisoner jumped up on his seat.

“Who sent a psychiatrist to talk to me?” He turned to the public defender, inches away. “Was it you? I’m talking to you, motherfucker!”

The public defender sighed and started to explain, but figured it was obvious.

“I don’t appreciate you talking to a psychiatrist about me!” he hollered at the judge, then turned back to his lawyer.

“And I don’t appreciate you sending a psychiatrist to talk to me! You hear me?”

The judge addressed the prison by mister, but that’s as far as he got.

“Fuck you, motherfucker! Out of time! Out of time!”

The prisoner was yelling "out of time," his lawyer said later, because the prisoner believes his right to a speedy trial were being violated.

“Are you prepared to enter a plea today?” the judge asked the public defender.

He shrugged. “I haven’t been able to consult with my client because of my race.” The lawyer tried to continue to talk, but his client interrupted.

“Yeah, that’s right. Fuck all this, crackers!”

The judged asked the prisoner, in all seriousness, if he wanted to proceed.

“Fuck you!” the prisoner responded.

“OK,” judge said to the guards and they took the man away. The courtroom fell silent, hoping to catch any last minute oaths, but the prisoner walked away without incident and disappeared behind a steel door.

“Welcome to my world,” the public defender said, then added that the psychiatrist at the state hospital decided the prisoner was fit to stand trail and participate in his own defense.

The director of the public defender office, a disheveled balding ex-punk rocker, hustled up to the front row. “Did I just hear a ‘bitchified ho’ get bandied about?”

The gallery erupted into laughter and conversation.

The judge raised his voice and everyone shut up.

“There is only to be one voice at a time in this courtroom,” he said.

Sources, readers, editors — hate ‘em all

By Lance Carbunkle
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff

WASHINGTON — I hear it almost every day.

“I don’t want my name in the paper.”

They are talking to a reporter, they really want to give their side, make their point and be understood. They’re not politicians or cops, they’re just people, normal people, witnesses and victims. It’s important to them that the reporter understand, and they are never shy about dishing ten minutes of scatter-brained background complete with heavy digressions.

You can tell, they want to talk about it, they want to be understood. It makes them feel good, important. They are “incited to discourse,” as Focault might say if he were alive and OK with me quoting him.

“Can I get you to spell your name?” I say, readying the pen. I’m no amateur, I learned long ago, you cannot misspell people’s names. After I write down their first name, I show it to them on the page. I do the same with the last name.

“Accuracy is paramount,” my first desk editor wrote me in an e-mail after catching an error.

I also learned long ago not to ask for their name, nor ask if I can quote them.

I ask them to spell it.

“Oh, I don’t want my name in the paper.”

“OK, that’s fine, but I can’t put any information in the paper without a name attached to it. So I won’t be able to use anything you told me.”

They give me a strange look. They are Americans, lived in this country their whole lives, adults, and they still don’t know how newspapers work.

“Can’t you just say it, or say ‘anonymous source?’”

“I can’t use anything without a name,” I say, and start glancing over their shoulder, thinking to myself, like a zombie: names, names, naaammesss.

They look conflicted, but not for long. “Naw, I don’t want to be in the paper.” It’s more important to say it, to have somebody official-looking believe them, than to stand by what they say. They aren’t a politician, they don’t have anything at stake.

It happens with politicians and other official sources too. They love to go off the record. “Don’t put that in the paper,” they say. It’s usually something meaningless.

But unlike the civilian, I know the politician’s name.

Not that politicians aren’t more obnoxious than unofficial sources. They are. If you burn a politician, however, you’ll find your calls not getting returned and your editors will get even more annoying.

People don’t mean what they say, but they must say it.

The hostess is grinning

By Dolores Hazen
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff

NEW YORK - Jane Fonda wanted to feel inside her fake-news talk show host Stephen Colbert’s manhood during an episode of The Colbert Report aired on my television Tuesday night.

The episode centered on women, or “ladies,” and Fonda appeared with Gloria Steinem, who played along with a cooking show format and articulately made her case and didn’t kiss Colbert twice in lip-on-lip exchanges that verged on the flickering of tongues and swapping of spittle. Odd, my room mate noted, for an episode and guests that ostensibly featured conversations and satire about feminism.

During the segment Colbert wore a chef’s apron that said “Kiss The Cook,” and appeared shocked by Fonda’s craning, come-hither looks, where she tossed back her head, stretched her slender, delicate neck, and kissed him like a woman kisses a man she would blow.

In a show that has as many awkward moments as funny ones, my roommate said that was the most awkward he’d ever seen.

“What the fuck was that,” he said after it was over. He wanted to wait before commenting, to see if Fonda would break character and reveal the gender activist-who-looks-like-a-middle-managment-closet
-drunk-as-menopausal-sex-kitten to be another post-modern crack up.

“She might be hotter if she didn’t look like a country club cougar from Schaumberg,” my room mate said, slightly stoned. “I’d do her, though.”

It's all fucked

By Delores Hazen
Howlin’ Leroy Eenk Staff

WASHINGTON - It was a banner day for assholes Monday, with assholes across the globe and the country furthering their asshole ends by their asshole means.

Experts said it could not be done, but assholes on Monday reached new and soaring heights of assholeosity, most notably, an asshole detonated a nuclear bomb and a bunch of other assholes failed to do anything meaningful to prevent it and have no idea what to do next.

Assholes are firmly in charge of every powerful institution on earth, controlling all chambers of all legislatures and courts the world over, running all major corporations, and with the availability and inexpensvienss of high-powered personal weaponry, even middle-schoolers can rise to the level of asshole even if they have yet to grow a hair on theirs.

In one day, assholes managed to substantially spread their assholi in new, more effective ways, not just by pushing humanity closer to annihilation, but by accomplishing the small acts of assholeism, experts said. Although the public is more aware of the great feats of assholeishness - like genocides, chauvinism and Ronald Reagan - it’s the small, everyday acts of that really matter.

“When it comes to historical assholes, our current crop has yet to make a run at a title,” said Heinrich Cocksure, a senior asshole at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government.

“But you never know, the night is still young.” Cocksure said, noting that in addition to making life less livable for everybody else, the assholes of today have developed new ways to suck the blood of children and still look themselves in the eye every morning.

Unlike potable water, the world is in no need of more assholes, and hasn’t since the Great Asshole Famine of the mid-seventies. The surplus of assholes has led to increased competition among the asshole ranks, observers have said, and threatens the future of assholedom and life itself.

U.N. Weighs Sanctions Against N. Korea
Oct 10, 2:42 AM (ET)
UNITED NATIONS (AP) - The world lined up against North Korea on Monday for staging a nuclear test denounced even by key allies. President Bush called it "a threat to international peace and security," and the U.N. Security Council weighed severe sanctions to punish the impoverished communist nation.

There was no talk of military action. But the Security Council quickly condemned North Korea's decision to flout a U.N. appeal to cancel the test after the reclusive regime announced it had set off an underground atomic explosion.

Russia was the only country to say it had "no doubts" over the North Korean claim. The U.S. and other experts said the explosion was smaller than expected and they had yet to confirm it was nuclear.

Documents: CIA Warned of Plane Bomb Plot
Oct 10, 2:43 AM (ET)
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (AP) - An anti-Castro militant now in a Texas jail warned the CIA months before the 1976 bombing of a Cuban airliner that fellow exiles were planning such an attack, according to a newly released U.S. government document.

The document shows that Luis Posada Carriles - who had worked for the CIA but was cut off by the agency earlier that year - was secretly telling the CIA that his fellow far-right Cuban exiles opposed to Fidel Castro's communist government were plotting to bring down a commercial jet.

The document does not say what the CIA did with Posada's tip. A CIA spokesman said he had no comment on Monday, a federal holiday.

The CIA had extensive contacts with anti-Castro militants and trained some of them, but has denied involvement in the bombing.

The documents were posted online Thursday by the National Security Archive, an independent research institute at George Washington University that seeks to declassify government files through the Freedom of Information Act.

Student Fires Gun in Mo. Middle School
Oct 9, 10:04 PM (ET)
JOPLIN, Mo. (AP) - Fascinated by the Columbine bloodbath, a 13-year-old boy in a dark green trenchcoat and mask carried an assault rifle into his school Monday, pointed it at students and fired a shot into a ceiling before the weapon jammed, authorities said. No one was hurt.

"Please don't make me do this," he was quoted as telling administrators before police arrested him and thwarted what they called a "well thought-out plan" to terrorize his school.

Police said a note in the student's backpack indicated he had planted an explosive in the school, but no bombs were found.

Schools across the country have been on alert since three deadly school shootings in three states in a week.

Lower Standards Help Army Recruit More
Oct 10, 2:44 AM (ET)
WASHINGTON (AP) - The U.S. Army recruited more than 2,600 soldiers under new lower aptitude standards this year, helping the service beat its goal of 80,000 recruits in the throes of an unpopular war and mounting casualties.

The recruiting mark comes a year after the Army missed its recruitment target by the widest margin since 1979, which had triggered a boost in the number of recruiters, increased bonuses, and changes in standards.

The Army recruited 80,635 soldiers, roughly 7,000 more than last year. Of those, about 70,000 were first-time recruits who had never served before.

According to statistics obtained by The Associated Press, 3.8 percent of the first-time recruits scored below certain aptitude levels. In previous years, the Army had allowed only 2 percent of its recruits to have low aptitude scores. That limit was increased last year to 4 percent, the maximum allowed by the Defense Department.

The Army said all the recruits with low scores had received high school diplomas. In a written statement, the Army said good test scores do not necessarily equate to quality soldiers. Test-taking ability, the Army said, does not measure loyalty, duty, honor, integrity or courage.

Gunmen Assassinate Brother of Iraq VP
Oct 9, 10:25 PM (ET)
BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - The brother of Iraq's Sunni Arab vice president was assassinated Monday by gunmen who broke into his home, the third of the politician's four siblings to be slain this year. Sunnis blamed Shiite militias and demanded a crackdown to stop the capital's raging sectarian violence.

Sex, drugs and elder statesmanship

GOP hopes apology helps Hastert
Republicans hope to end Foley furor before election

By THE NEW YORK TIMES and Howlin' Leroy Eenk staff

WASHINGTON, Oct. 7 -- House Republicans held their breath on Friday and hoped that Speaker Dennis Hastert's expression of remorse about the page scandal combined with the start of a House ethics investigation would stabilize Hastert's grip on power.

James Baker, a leading Republican and former secretary of state with strong ties to the Bush family, also expressed support for Hastert on Friday, saying his resignation would do little to stem the uproar.

"If you think that's going to stop the story, you've been smoking dope, because the minute they get Denny, they'll go after the next person who might have known something about this," Baker said on Fox News. "I think the speaker's done the right thing by calling for an investigation."

When contacted by Howlin' Leroy Eenk staff for comment, Baker spokesman Ferenc Applescrum said the secretary used the reference to illegal narcotics as a "quaint phrase."

"Baker is too busy, conducting his normal everyday affairs, plus advising President Bush on Iraq, to smoke marijuana, to associate with those that do, or to entertain these kinds of questions."

Applescrum said Baker is widely known as "an upper man," preferring recreation such as cocaine, crack, and methamphetamine. At the end of a five-day sleepless binge, he indulges in a prescription cocktail of Valium and horse tranquilizers while watching SportsCenter.

"They have a saying around the think tank circuit, "Keep that Viagra away from the Bake-man!" Applescrum said.

I’m Poppa Large, big shot on the East Coast

From the editors:

There’s an old, tired cliche thrown around all too often in politics, and given recent revelations, we think it’s only fitting to throw it around in these pages:

“As long as so-and-so doesn’t try to set up a molest-date with a kid while he’s on the record , he’s sure to be elected.”

Take-overs in Congress are rare, but they happen, and Foley — a Democrat from Florida, according to Fox News — may have come on the back of the proverbial camel. But maybe not.

In this swirling fog of allegations, rebuttal and comment, the last thing we want to do is make predictions. We don’t even know where are reporters are, if they are alive.

But as part of our duty, we must. Duty and the fact that we might get our legs broken if we don’t.

As has been reported, Howlin’ Leroy Eenk accurately predicted every presidential contest from 1984 until 2004, when, acting on a piece of information provided by a source after 16 hours of water boarding, we incorrectly called Sen. John Kerry the winner.

Since then, after settling the lawsuits, selling our houses, writhing like salty slugs before our financial masters and fearing for our lives and our families’ lives every day, we have taken a more thoughtful tack.

Now we water board multiple sources simultaneously, around the clock, all the while showing them hardcore pornography. What follows is the fruits of our deliberations:

The last time one of our august political parties staged a coup and killed in Congress was 1994, when Newt Gingrich’s boner rode an elephant into the Imperial City, two years after Ross Perot split the Republican vote and put Bill Clinton into the White House.

The time before that might be the post-Watergate Democratic watershed, the mid-seventies, a period campaign finance reformers remember with a twinkle in their eye, the golden age of American politics.

Democrats in Washington today dream of being the next big thing Nov. 7, the next revolution, the next Nirvana. Polls show them leading in key races, and with Republicans overly anxious to win the pedophiliac-alcoholic vote, things are beginning to look a lot like uprising.

There is precedent for these kinds of reversals. However, it is still unlikely that the Democrats will take both chambers, although that isn’t immediately apparent from watching the party of Jefferson pat themselves on the back a month before the ballots get tallied.

To elect the Democrats en masse, to win elections the wonks overlooked when they scoured the maps, to surprise the world, there would need be an angst of Hoover Dam proportions. Partly because the map is gerrymandered toward traditionally Republican districts. And with the new IPod Nanos, and the playoffs, fear, the History Channel, befuddling gas prices, new flavors of Vitamin Water, we Americans, regrettably, have a long way to go before our angst gets that big.

We’re talking big angst, the kind of unsettling feeling that not only pushes a swing district to Ds, but that makes lifelong Rs vote against Rs, the same people who regularly vote in mid-term elections.

That angst could be manufactured, the Democrats could be sowing it, but their strategy remains unchanged: wait the Republicans out. It’s comforting to know that the loyal opposition has no better idea on how to gain power other than to stand by while the GOP runs the country into the ground.

And given their metaphysical connection with the god of Botch, if Dems scratch up a few seats they’ll call it a victory.

Therefore, in conclusion, we can surmise nothing more insightful than our previous prediction: Democrats will probably not take both chambers, but they might. They also might take one, or neither.